Two Things are True: Meltdown Edition

Letting go of patterns of extreme thinking

A parent recently reached out to share that they felt entirely consumed by trying to manage their child’s meltdowns. Every decision they made revolved around trying to keep their child from getting upset. This parent felt like they had to be the default caregiver at all times because no one else knew how to keep their child calm. Anytime a meltdown did happen, this parent felt like it was because they’d failed. They read my previous article about supporting kids with meltdowns and it just heightened all of these crippling feelings. Meltdown prevention had become their entire life.

While some parents do need resources for meltdown management, it’s just as true that others need help with the opposite: learning to give up patterns of over-parenting that aren’t healthy for you or your child.

Let’s dive into some extreme patterns of thought that aren’t serving you or your highly-reactive child and the nuanced truths that can guide you instead:

❌ Extreme thinking:

• If I can control myself in a perfect way, I can make a meltdown stop.

✅ Nuanced truths:

• My reactions can influence if a situation escalates or de-escalates.

AND

• I can’t control my child’s meltdown.

❌ Extreme thinking:

• When my child has a meltdown, it’s a crisis that needs fixing immediately.

✅ Nuanced truths:

• Meltdowns are stressful for everyone.

AND

• Meltdowns aren’t an emergency.

❌ Extreme thinking:

• It’s my job to prevent all meltdowns.

✅ Nuanced truths:

• Some meltdowns can be prevented with proactive parenting.

AND

• Trying to prevent all meltdowns isn’t good for me or my child.

❌ Extreme thinking:

• A meltdown means I failed as a parent.

✅ Nuanced truths:

• It’s good to avoid back-and-forth conflict that escalates my child into a meltdown.

AND

• Some meltdowns will happen no matter what. It’s okay for meltdowns to happen.

❌ Extreme thinking:

• My child needs me to constantly monitor them to keep them calm.

✅ Nuanced truths:

• Being tuned into my child’s needs is important.

AND

• It’s not developmentally healthy for me to keep my child calm all the time.

❌ Extreme thinking:

• I’m the only one who can take care of my child since I am hyper-vigilant about their needs and any potential triggers.

✅ Nuanced truths:

• I’m more aware of my child than others.

AND

• It’s important for my child to experience other people without me, even if it means meltdowns happen.

Accepting the nuanced truth can be uncomfortable, but living in the extreme thinking is crippling. If you don’t struggle with these extreme thoughts and instead need help learning how to support your child with meltdowns, check out my recent article here.

Share any other examples of extreme thinking or nuanced truths with us in the comments!